Hello there. Its been about 6 months since I last posted, nothing exciting has happened. Believe it or not, I still live a boring life. Why is it boring you ask? Well let's see. I go to work, I go home, and I sit there. I do see the kids a few times per week, which makes things exciting and interesting, but over all, I could be doing better.
Lately I started this new thing, where I pretend everything is cool, but really I'm a wreck. It's awesome. I ignore people, I sit home even though I'd rather be out. I can't even make my self make small talk with someone at a store. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate being alone, but I don't want to do anything. I try to get out of my house once in a while, but even then I have to argue with someone who wants to go to the bar or whatever because I just don't feel like it. Whats the point? To spend money on beers? I can do that for cheaper at home. See? That's how I think. Yea, I may have a good time at the bar, but knowing me I won't because I'll be the awkward guy sipping a beer staring at people and playing with my Iphone.
It seems like I've lost motivation to carry on doing the things that make me happy. I cut off people who I loved talking to, for no reason what so ever. I haven't ridden my bike in almost a month. I love riding my bike, but I just can't seem to push myself to go. Yea the fucking summer heat plays a part in it, but fuck I lived in Florida, and I've ridden in the Florida summer, and that didn't fucking bother me. I spent the time fixing my bike, cleaning it, making her ride better, and all she does it sit in the garage. Maybe I'm bored of my usual place? Probably, but by the time I get off of work, its too late to drive anywhere else. Allaire is the closest.
I think I'm just bored. I need something new and positive. Maybe a new person? A girl preferably. Someone who can take me for me. To motivate me. To argue with(in a fun way). That sounds nice and all, but if I can't break this fucking social awkwardness, that'll never fucking happen. I don't undersand. I sound like a high school freshman. It's not just girls either. At a store, if the cashier is a girl, or a dude, its like here's my shit, ring it up, I pay you, fuck off, I'm out. I can't make a conversation in the simplest of settings. Unless, I'm with my kids, but that's cheating.
So by this time tomorrow, I should officially be divorced. Still lost. No idea where I'm going with my life, and fucking miserable. I can say though, out of all this, I haven't and won't turn to drugs. They can't help me either.
I don't have any advice or any good closing. No inspiration coming from me this time. No words of wisdom. All I can say is that even with all of this going on, I still try to keep my head up, maybe there is a light at the end of this. I'll pull out of this funk, I just need something new and life changing rather than the daily bullshit boring grind that I'm used to. So who ever that is, where ever you are, what ever it may be, I am fucking waiting! What the fuck is taking so damn long?!