Sunday, July 14, 2013

I'm a loner Dottie, a rebel.

      Hello there. Its been about 6 months since I last posted, nothing exciting has happened. Believe it or not, I still live a boring life.  Why is it boring you ask? Well let's see. I go to work, I go home, and I sit there. I do see the kids a few times per week, which makes things exciting and interesting, but over all, I could be doing better.

    Lately I started this new thing, where I pretend everything is cool, but really I'm a wreck. It's awesome. I ignore people, I sit home even though I'd rather be out.  I can't even make my self make small talk with someone at a store. I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate being alone, but I don't want to do anything. I try to get out of my house once in a while, but even then I have to argue with someone who wants to go to the bar or whatever because I just don't feel like it.  Whats the point? To spend money on beers? I can do that for cheaper at home. See? That's how I think. Yea, I may have a good time at the bar, but knowing me I won't because I'll be the awkward guy sipping a beer staring at people and playing with my Iphone.
    It seems like I've lost motivation to carry on doing the things that make me happy.  I cut off people who I loved talking to, for no reason what so ever.  I haven't ridden my bike in almost a month. I love riding my bike, but I just can't seem to push myself to go. Yea the fucking summer heat plays a part in it, but fuck I lived in Florida, and I've ridden in the Florida summer, and that didn't fucking bother me. I spent the time fixing my bike, cleaning it, making her ride better, and all she does it sit in the garage. Maybe I'm bored of my usual place? Probably, but by the time I get off of work, its too late to drive anywhere else. Allaire is the closest.

    I think I'm just bored. I need something new and positive. Maybe a new person? A girl preferably. Someone who can take me for me. To motivate me. To argue with(in a fun way).  That sounds nice and all, but if I can't break this fucking social awkwardness, that'll never fucking happen.  I don't undersand. I sound like a high school freshman. It's not just girls either. At a store, if the cashier is a girl, or a dude, its like here's my shit, ring it up, I pay you, fuck off, I'm out. I can't make a conversation in the simplest of settings. Unless, I'm with my kids, but that's cheating.

    So by this time tomorrow, I should officially be divorced.  Still lost. No idea where I'm going with my life, and fucking miserable. I can say though, out of all this, I haven't and won't turn to drugs.  They can't help me either.

    I don't have any advice or any good closing. No inspiration coming from me this time. No words of wisdom.  All I can say is that even with all of this going on, I still try to keep my head up, maybe there is a light at the end of this. I'll pull out of this funk, I just need something new and life changing rather than the daily bullshit boring grind that I'm used to. So who ever that is, where ever you are, what ever it may be, I am fucking waiting! What the fuck is taking so damn long?!

Titty Sprinkles


Sunday, January 6, 2013

Its a snake eat snake world

         Twice in 1 week?! That's right kids here goes another one. Lets get back onto the topic of why I originally started this fucking blog.  Shit that pisses Phil off.  You want to know what pisses me off? Old fucking miserable people. Fuck you. Sit there in your god damn sweat pants and watch tv.
       Where did this come from you ask?  Well lets back track.  Earlier today we were eating "dinner", at 1:00 in the afternoon!!!! Italians, you know how it is. So I said," I'm gonna bring my snake here, since you won't let me bring my dog."  "Another snake," he said. Yes asshole. My brother Matt, has my albino king snake.  Now you would never know it was there. Why? BECAUSE ITS A FUCKING SNAKE! It doesn't move, it doesn't run around the house making a mess, it just sits there, in a tank, and does nothing. You know what's funny? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT PYTHONS DO!
       So here I am, lugging this 55 gallon tank and stand into my room.  Yes, I currently live with grandparents, not by choice, I just had no where else to go.  If you read my last blog, you'd understand.  He starts.  What do you need this for? Uhh for the fucking tank to sit on. What tank?! The one for my snake. I didn't say you could bring another snake here! (He said it was ok)
        So we start arguing back and forth. I say I'll find someone to take the snake, which I won't, just shuts him up for a little while.  Now hes sitting down, pouting, watching TV.  Now don't get me wrong, it's his house, his rules, blah blah blah.  I get it.  The problem is, what is the fucking big deal? Its a snake! I could see if it was a dog, or a cat, or anything. It sits in a tank, doesn't use any of his precious electricity, and he'll never know it was there.
        Now I'm hoping that I can get out of here soon enough, but that evil green paper says otherwise.  I've had friends offer to stay at their place, which is great. I appreciate it, both of you. One problem, one of you live in a small apartment and have a kid on the way. The other has twins and is kind of far from my place of work. You don't need some 26 year old child staying at your place, you both have your own lives to live.

        So what else is going on?  Lets see, I'm doing okay for the most part.  Moving on, like I said last time. Slowly, but surely.  Eventually, things will get back to normal, or as normal as things can be I guess.  I am trying to surround myself with people that help keep my life positive.  This place I live in isn't helping, but part of it is my own damn fault.  I have to learn to keep my mouth shut sometimes.

    Well, that's about all I have this time. Since I usually give some kind of shitty advice at the end of these, here you go.  Be careful what you say.  Before you go talking shit about someone, actually know the facts. Don't just fucking assume something and then start shit and make the person you're talking about look like an asshole for no reason.  People need to shut the fuck up.  No one goes to work to make friends, they go to work to make a living, and support themselves and their families, not be thrown around emotionally because little fucking high school like adults feel the need to talk about a person to better themselves.  Fuck you. Grow the fuck up, and move the fuck on with your pathetic miserable life.
    That's all, thanks for watching.

   Titty sprinkles


Wednesday, January 2, 2013

The dude abides man

           Well, well, well. It's been way to fucking long since I wrote anything.  So where do I begin?  Well first and foremost, what the fuck?! Where were the god damn zombies?! I was ready for this shit. Not one fucking zombie.  The world didn't end either. What a fucking dissapointment.

         Alrighty,so here we go.  This time around I'm not going to talk about shit that pisses me off. Instead I'm going to give you my heart.  I have a lot of things on my fucking mind, some good, some not so good, but that's kind of the reason why I started this thing.  Right?  It's been over a year since my last blog post, some may think I abandoned ship, others may think I am a fucking asshole. Judging by the amount of views I get on this thing, it doesn't really matter anyway.

          Okay so what has happened in a year?  Well, first and foremost, probably most important, I'm in New Jersey, and I'm not fucking going anywhere this time. Florida was complete bullshit.  Now don't get me wrong, Florida is beautiful, but if you're not 60 or older, you're gonna have a bad time.  See what I did there?  The job market never got better for me, I was miserable because I couldn't support my family, I still can't, but that's for a different day.

          Anyway, some of you may already know this, some of you may not, my wife and I are going our separate ways.  Now you may be thinking, "Oh my god, what happened? Did you blah blah fuck you." We were together for 9 years, started dating in high school, had some time apart, got back together, and got married.  We, like all kids, grow up, and we grew up into different people. Now those 9 years weren't bad, I learned a lot about life, relationships, being a husband, and most importantly, I learned how to be a dad.  She  will always have a special place in my heart, and will always be a best friend.  Jenn, if you read this, I thank you for those 9 years, they were the best years of my life.  I know we had our ups and downs, but I don't regret any of it.

      I have already gotten shit about this, I don't need it, nor will I respond to this. My kids are fine, and will be fine. I will still be there for them, I'm not going anywhere. I love my kids more than anything in this world, and that will never change.
       Those of you who actually know me, know that I can be a huge asshole. I'm definitely not denying that. I am aware that I have some issues mentally and physically, I am working on them to be a better person, mainly for myself, but also for those close to me.  I have issues with emotions, confrontation, being social, and just the other day, I had a full on conversation with a guy named Vladamer.  Theres a problem with that, I don't FUCKING KNOW a Vladamer.  I was also alone, in my fucking mom van, driving to work at 2am. So yea, I have shit to work on.
       Recently I have been seeing something. Someone maybe, I don't know. He's an average height man, wearing a dark suit, and I can't see his face. Yes, a fucking "ghost".  I have only told this to a select few, none of them are professional psychics or anything, so I really have no fucking clue what it could be. Some one said maybe it's my father. Maybe he died and he's trying to contact me? Maybe, I don't know what the fucking guy looks like. Part of me wishes he was dead, part of me wants to find out who he really is.  All I know is, it freaks me the fuck out.

         With all these issues I have going on in my life, I can say I am happy.  I'm weeding out the bullshit and negativity from my life.  If you have a problem with that, then go fuck yourself.  I really don't need you, don't fucking tell me you'll be there for me, and then when I need you, you disappear. I don't need that shit anymore. I have my few friends who have been there when I needed them the most, and have stuck with me through all of my shit.  I honestly can't thank the few of you enough.  Andrew and Nathan, you guys are family to me, I love you, and I wouldn't be the guy I am right now, writing this shit, if it wasn't for you 2.  Now that doesn't mean I don't care about the friends I've had since high school. You guys are great too, but these 2 have helped me get through this tough time. I also have a new person in my life, Amber.  I hated you when I worked in Staten Island, now, I feel like I've known you forever.  You have helped keep me sane and happy all at the same time. No matter what happens between us, whether its something or just staying friends, I'm glad you're in my life.

          So now with all of this said, I'm not going to commit to an every week deal like I used to. You'll get it when I'm ready to write again. Hopefully it will be sooner than this time, but who the fuck really knows?  I've spilled my guts for you people, all 2 of you. I hope I didn't offend anyone, or piss anyone off, I'm just trying to clear my head and move on with my life.  I want to keep this going as best as I possibly can, but like I said, no fucking commitments.  This is a new year, and I swear to god, a new fucking Phil.  I will eventually clear my head of all this and be a better human being for those closest to me, I promise you that.
    In closing, I just want to say, let the past be the past.  We can't go back and change what we may have or have not done, the only thing we can do is learn from it, and grow into a better person from it.  I'm looking for a fresh start on life, and I know soon enough I will find what I'm looking for.  Until then I promise to be a better human being for those of you who need me the most.  So there you go, take it or leave it. I am who I am, I can only change so much. Thanks for watching.

Titty Sprinkles